Meaning Thurs 12th May

A couple of things this morning landed me back in the "loss of meaning" mental state that hit really bad after Christmas. First item was reading in the book on economics that is my early morning study, of the levels of murders of indigenous peoples that happened in the recent past: in the Belgian Congo apparently a murder every two minutes for about 50 years up to 1920. Well that explains the present state of things in that part of the world! I can link it up with a horrific beating to death of the teenager in Northern Ireland that is in the news and with the fighting between Hamas and Fattah in occupied Palestine. All show the impression of the dominant behaviour patterns, or perhaps I should say behaviour patterns of oppressive dominance. A small child over-controlled by insensitive parents, unable to affect their behaviour directly, may begin to express inner conflict by self harm, as I did when I failed my exam. On a much larger scale, an oppressed people unable to affect the oppressor will break into factions and so begin destroying itself. The election of a more oppressive faction, religiously oppressive, is another example. At the psychodynamic level 1 could call it voting for a stronger, persecutory superego, which at the individual level is what develops under strongly authoritarian parenting. It is of course a form of defence, preventing the child from doing something that will attract punishment. It takes more than one generation for a negative behaviour pattern to be eliminated.

The other item was hearing on "Prayer for the day" comment about how in a fight or flight situation brain function acts to block off reasoning areas. Hormone release I should say perhaps. Hearing that as sort of common knowledge seemed suddenly to devalue everything I have written. And yet I know that most of what I'm writing is common knowledge, and it's only the putting it together and seeing what it means that is not happening, or not happening adequately.

What happened at Christmas time was the discovery that my two friends with computers were not sufficiently interested to access my website even once just to see what it was like. In one way it proves the point that I've been trying to make on the site, the never ending destructive consequences of negative experiences in the first year of life. My mother did not love me and therefore I have never been able to attract or give any depth of love. Neither of my parents was interested in me as who I am, and therefore I have no interest in me in the way other people expect, that is in the daily events of life. In some ways this website is me because it holds my thoughts which is we the fountain with all that I really value in myself. How extraordinary! I never spoke those words "we the fountain" but how meaningful they are in the context of what I'm trying to say. Why did Dragon hear them? If you've read Chapter 1 you will understand; or then again perhaps not. One of those "friends" has read it. Individual life, that is identity and meaning, are given through mother love. As I received very little of either, becoming a seriously schizoid individual, it does not take much to return me to the diagnostic state of futile meaninglessness. Can you read the effort it takes to make myself write rather than blank out in front of a DVD? I wrote in one of my introductory pages that I don't believe you exist and the behaviour of friends goes to prove it. So I have to survive by constructing meaning almost moment by moment. That brings me to the issue suicide which came up in yesterday's portion of reading but that belongs in the Update I will do on the book.

I still feel constrained about posting this, as I have about some other things I might say, although the evidence is of course that it will never be read by anyone it could hurt. Both friends of course have their own problems, in many ways worse than mine, and would go to a lot of trouble to help me in practical ways if I needed it. Both would be willing to give a lot of time listening about my troubles, would probably prefer it if I did that because it would be understandable to them, but it wouldn't help me. Thurs 25th of May.