M/I Update. The Matriarchal Survival Unit

This concept was dealt with in evolutionary terms in chapter 9 but only provisionally considered in relation to modern life in chapter 10. Having adverted to the subject of Working Babies in my last Headlines item, Respect, I feel I should expand the topic. As mentioned in chapter 10 I had already heard of babies being allowed to accompany their mothers to work (in the USA) and lie sleeping beside their desks as they continue their clerical activities. Only until the age of six months, but it's a start. However what I'm suggesting is a huge change in how society functions and I have no illusions about the difficulties of enabling it to come about. Small changes in individual attitudes and behaviour are not impossible however, especially if they are in line with people's real needs; witness the greater acceptability of babies and small children in social situations among the professional classes that I have witnessed in the past before I became housebound. One mother brought her baby to training seminars on my psychotherapy course and this presented no problem. It was a humanistic course needless to say, on the psychoanalytic course, where we sat in rigid rows on hard chairs, it would have been another matter!

Men would be the principal problem of course, in their capacity as the boss to who's rules the working mother must submit. A mother who preferred to bring her baby to work might in some circumstances be able to obtain the privilege by giving up maternity leave. I think there are some who would prefer to do it this way.

But mothers at home can still take action to make their babies early weeks more natural. I have heard, again a radio item, of mothers who try to do this by carrying their babies around all day, never putting them down. This results in very secure babies and good luck to them, but it does inhibit the mother in her activities which I think is not the best way. What is really needed of course is a modern "civilised" adaptation of the baby sling, something like a baby-carrying blouse or jacket, belted firmly such that when on the baby could be slipped in and carried safely slung under the breast. A flap could be closed so that only the baby's head, perhaps only the top of it, was visible. I'm thinking here of the nursing baby and would like to imagine that something could be designed so that the baby could suckle easily. My idea would be of something like a nursing bra with hand holds for the baby's use to pull itself to the nipple. I'm sure babies would soon learn the trick and love it. I'm not a designer I can't quite visualise how this could all be worked out but I'm sure someone could do it. Meanwhile slings for carrying babies strapped to the mother's chest over her clothes already exist and could be used indoors as mother gets on with her chores. When this becomes tiring an alternative could be a car safety seat which holds the baby safely strapped upright which could be carried from room to room and fixed somewhere safely in a position that allows the baby to see its mother at work. Of course the baby would spend a lot of the time asleep but the short periods of alert wakefulness are important. Older babies, more wakeful, should be talked to by their mothers; not baby talk, just chatted to as a companion. That they will not understand is not important, being part of mother's everyday life as she works is. If she finds herself explaining what she's doing, in time this will be understood and will be a good foundation. Obviously safety considerations will dictate exactly where the baby is placed, in the kitchen for example and placing the safety seat on the table without attachments would be very dodgy. A good high chair that could be moved from room to room could be a good solution. Putting toddlers in playpens alone or, even worse, in front of the television set, breaks the natural "learning life from mother's perspective" primate infant advantage. (Learning about life from the TV from a very early age is likely to be one of the factors now producing negative effects in society, at a low level now but increasing, remember the generational delay in the effects of increasing affluence. I remember seeing a small child shaking with fear, watching a favourite, adult, programme; if I had not drawn the busy mother's attention would she ever have known about it?)

This natural start in life should be followed through by allowing the toddler as it grows to join in its mother's activity as much as possible e.g. crawling under furniture to pick up things before vacuuming could be an enjoyable game as well as a help. I think right from the start house work should be seen as the team activity of the matriarchal unit. We all know the problems of teenage children especially boys not looking after their rooms or clothes as mother would like: naturally not when this is enforced as a solitary occupation. The practice of cleaning all the rooms in the house, including individual bedrooms, as the team activity from the earliest years would eliminate this problem. You, my imaginary reader, must have had plenty of experience of how much more enjoyable any activity can be when carried out with companions. Housework is boring for many people precisely because it has become a solitary activity. I can imagine the team of children, the two oldest perhaps acting as the "removal men", shifting chairs and other furniture as mother approaches with a vacuum cleaner, and youngest rushing to pick things up and put them away, in the right place of course, all part of a game, winning if you get X. done before Y etc etc. the "eldest child" i.e. the father should definitely be a part of the team whenever possible, the parents for example could act as the removal team when the child has graduated to using the vacuum cleaner: this could become a desired "growing up" marker. Maybe I am teaching my grandmother to suck eggs and there are mothers all over the place already doing this, and giving their children the positive feedback that I never received. ( I remember being sent to dust the sitting room, working alone in the cold, underused space only intended for guests and "thank you" or "well done" were not part of my mother's vocabulary in relation to me.) Certainly in poor households my suggestions will be irrelevant and the survival team will be more the mode, but as the "middle-class" expands the more the negative consequences of affluence in infancy will impact on society. (The negative effects of poverty are too well-known and studied to need any comment from me )

In the same way even very small children can be part of the "shopping team" if mother makes a point of explaining what they're going to buy and how it's going to be used, they can feel affirmed and respected in discussing things like the menus for the week or what colour of X. would be best. With a small child the discussing will be very one-sided naturally, but still valuable, and the toddler in the seat on the trolley can still look for things on the shelves, and point them out to mother, if she's been shown beforehand what to look for. Later on preparing and cooking the food can become a team activity.

I had a session once with a mother who was experiencing great difficulty with her children, it was glaringly obvious from the presenting problems and previous history that the children were desperate for attention and the security of mother's presence and care. A suggested team shop and cooking morning was a great success, but she couldn't keep it up, it was a one-off. Mothers with inappropriate childhood experiences of their own will find what I'm suggesting very difficult (consciously probably dismissed as impractical etc). I do not know what is included in the parental training that the government is now encouraging people to have but this could easily be a part of it.

The essence of my argument is that babies and children evolved to be part of a survival team with mother, sometimes including an adult male, her partner. That is how they were socialised to form part of a hierarchical adult group providing mutual support for its members. Until very recently that was the normal arrangement in this country, as in others. A mediaeval household for example was almost a small factory, spinning and weaving, dairying, poultry keeping etc etc, in all of which the children would have been involved. We have to get back to it! Small children love to help their mothers and before the age of three they need to spend most of their time in her company. Mothers must have evolved to enjoy this and I believe they would do so today given half a chance. The destructive effects of civilisation on mothering I have touched on briefly in Catalhoyuk Reflections and may get round to saying more. It must be possible to preserve the mutuality of the mother infant bond and still be civilised, if we put our minds to it.

This is a topic on which one could talk forever! I will close this update today, 22nd January, but I think that what I have to say in my critique and comments on the book Primate Psychology edited by Dario Maestripieri may be relevant.