Image Work beyond Psychosynthesis: using the evolved language of the schizoid unconscious.  Additional transcripts useful for training and research.

When I settled down to making detailed transcripts of all the image work carried out in sessions with my clients I was researching and intended to publish my findings on the use of image work, informed by Object Relations Theory, to heal the schizoid splitting that underlay so many presenting problems.  Training in psychosynthesis had advanced my own self-understanding (see Chapter 1), given me a handle on my internal, conscious imaginal worlds and the language of images, and provided me with basic techniques for working with the images of others.  (It was however a psychoanalyst who remarked that a client addressed in the language of Freud would produce dreams that responded in that language and similarly the dreams of a Jungian's client would speak in Jungian language.  I have found that speaking to clients in plain language produces plain images!)  But psychosynthesis seemed to have a built-in inclination to avoid going to the real depths of the psyche, the lower unconscious, in favour of going to the heights of the higher unconscious.  My psychosynthesis trainers sometimes gave advice that seemed designed to keep image work in the shallows while I knew that some of my imaginal worlds hooked into the deep unconscious.  But at least when I had identified my condition as schizoid and asked for information, I was recommended to Guntrip's Schizoid Phenomena, Object Relations and the Self: Many psychosynthesis practitioners now do use Object Relations Theory I think, but without any understanding of its co-evolved connection with the language of images.  I would so much have preferred my training to have reflected the spirit of scientific research with which Freud began his work.

 My plan for a book that could reconnect humanistic psychotherapy to its scientific roots was derailed when I suffered the midnight enlightenment, itself a prime example of what the unconscious can be getting up to, that I described in my introduction to the book I did complete: Created in the Image.  My grasp of the evolutionary origins and significance of the schizoid phenomena in the psyche of Homo sapiens resulted in a text that is as split as the schizoid psyche, part academically specialist and part more popular and amateur -- fatal really since specialists will not tolerate outsiders theorising on their patch -- but the book I originally intended to write is mostly still there in Chapters 1 to 8.  This section provides some of the information about my discoveries with image work that would have been included, and some additional transcripts that illustrate the points and also more examples of the common language of images (use the search facility with words like "chain", "tree" or "knife").  They also show how my style evolved and more of the difficulties of communication in the language of images; and my mistakes and fumblings will give a more rounded picture.  I would like to hope it could be useful for training purposes.
I think my greatest therapeutic discovery was the healing power of assertive language!  Parts I and II of my book illustrate this and Part III provides my explanation of the evolved nature of this power.
I noted when I set up the web site that I wished to add more transcripts from the bulk of unused data in my files; one or two of these are used without permission (though only where I think it would have been given).  In the remote possibility of one of these clients chancing to read this, my apologies.
The lists of transcripts below contain the additional items relevant to each topic as well as some attached to chapters two, three and four; this is because I am copying them from the index I started keeping for use when I produced the book I intended and before my practice expanded so that the number of clients doing amazing image work exceeded my capacity to keep up with it. The additional transcripts follow the introductory notes in alphabetical order.

Abuse
A couple of clients saw literal images of the actual abuse they had experienced, providing information they had not consciously known, but here I am noting two transcripts which I think point towards the abuse clients half knew they had suffered.
Transcripts: -- T.Do.5; T.Ta.13.

Anger
I started a list under this heading for sessions where I actually asked for an image of the client's anger: this could manifest as fire, an animal, a devil, I forget the others because again they are unusable and therefore have been out of mind for years.  I was not at first able to distinguish between images of anger and those that were actually the anti-libidinal, but Nancy's images of the Wolf (her live anger) and the axe (the anti-libidinal killer) helped to clarify things.
Transcripts: -- T.Co.1, T.Co.7b; T.Lu.8; T.Na.2, T.Na.4; T.Ta.1.

Animal
I include a list of some of the image work which showed the use of animals to represent child or infant subpersonalities.  I have commented elsewhere on the significance of this unconscious use of animal images in relation to animal rights extremists.  Unfortunately one or two of the most interesting I cannot use for confidentiality reasons but I will mention one, originally a dream, in which a negative maternal introject was represented by a crocodile. T.S.10, T.S.11 show an interesting example of an unconscious false body image acquired as a toddler.
Transcripts: -- T.Na.4; T.Ro.15; T.S.10, T.S.11; T.Ta.13.

Anti-libidinal
The whole of chapter 4 is devoted this topic.
Transcripts -- T.Ev.2; T.He.1; T.Ja.1, T.Ja.2; T.Lu.5, T.Lu.8, T.Lu.9; T.Na.4; T.Ro.23.

Assertiveness
All transcripts illustrate my use of assertive communication in image work.  I treat the interaction between two speakers within the image as I would if facilitating two trainees in an assertiveness training group.  If a client is allowed to speak naturally to a dream image communication is likely to be as ineffective as in real life.  Much work, for example, may be needed for the client to identify accurately the emotion they are feeling towards the subpersonality they are addressing.  I have added an update on assertiveness under Updates and Critiques.
Transcripts – T.Do.5; T.H.2; T.L.4.

Body-sensation
The experience of significant body sensations such as physical warmth or a "closing in the chest" during or at the culmination of a piece of image work is rare but I think it is an important piece of data for mind/body studies.
Transcripts –  T.Do.4; T.Ev.3; T.Jan.K; T.Ro.3; T.Ta.1, T.Ta.4.

Disidentification Exercise in Imagery
This exercise is standard in psychosynthesis work (see Chapter 1 and Essay 4).  In image work it is a crucial way to identify the particular subpersonality engaged, and can be a way to unblock a stalled interaction.  See in client Jane's work how she drew back from herself and saw it was the child who was dominated by the judge, and could then free the child.  In same way in some image work based on memory, T.L.4, disidentification allowed a piece of "third chair" work (a psychosynthesis discovery) with images of the child and his mother that allowed the adult to defend and support the inner child with genuine effect.
Transcripts –  T.Co.2, T.He.11; T.L.4; T.S.15, T.S.16; T.Ta.1, T.Ta.3, T.Ta.6, T.Ta.7.

Depleted Ego Fragment
T.H.2: this is an interesting demonstration of the healing effect of what I have called self-assertion, the doll being first "grounded" by shoes, then freed by the acquisition of a "liberty" bodice etc.
Transcripts -- T.H.2; T.Ja.1, T.Ja.2. T.S.15.

Ego Splits
These of course manifest in most of my transcripts and most of my work with imagery was concerned with healing such splits, but some illustrate the condition and the techniques particularly clearly.  One important discovery I made was that when confronted with many fragments as for example Hetty once was with several people, I think behind a hotel counter, then getting the client to address the group assertively was likely to bring one figure to the fore who could then be engaged effectively in dialogue, or in another instance cause some coalescing of the fragments to form one figure.  A colleague told me how she had used this when working with her client's dream of being in front of a class of children and when she addressed the class assertively one child stood up and responded.  Wendy's dream, the subject of Essay 2, was a particularly good example of a life history dream showing successive splits.
Transcripts: -- T.Co.4, T.Co.7a, T.Co.14a; T.Do.7; T.H.2; T.He.1, T.He.3, T.He.8, T.He.13; T.Na.5; T.Ro.4, T.Ro.17; T.S.10, T.S.11, T.S.15; T.Ta.2, T.Ta.5; T.We.3, T.We.7, T.We.8, T.We.9, T.We.10.

Fire
I became more interested in this as manifesting in imagery as I became more interested in the co-evolution of early Homo with fire, and naturally the index card immediately mysteriously disappeared!  However I had two more under the heading "flame" and "hearth", and found a couple of others serendipitously.
Transcripts: -- T.Co.1, T.Co.2, T.Co.7b; T.Ev.3; T.Na.4; T.Ro.3.

Light and Energy
These are two important concepts in psychosynthesis and I will list some transcripts in which they feature spontaneously as a result of assertive communication.  I have finally transcribed two of the tapes from Client Jane's concluding sessions (the sound quality had not improved with keeping) and transcript T.Jan.K is a good example as it includes a hut (womb) at the foot of the great tree (of life/mother) full of light which Jane could enter.  But light and energy may turn up in the image work at any point in therapy
Transcripts – T.Co.1, T.Co.3, T.Co.6, T.Co.14b; T.Do.7;  T.Ev.1, T.Ev.3; T.Roy.1; T.Ta.19; T.We.7.

Memory
I have frequently used a childhood memory as a way into imagery but of course many dreams contain disguised real memories and I will just mention Tara's dream involving the rowing boat dealt with in chapter 3 which shows very clearly the underlying memory of a trip in the pram to the shops and the response in the baby to being left outside while mother and sister (lifted off the pram) go inside.

Regressed ego
This is a label from Guntrip's addition to Fairbairn's theory of schizoid splitting in response to styles of mothering -- rejecting, exciting, and ideal.  See the Case Study of client Jane and also Essay 3 on theories of part selves.
Transcripts: -- T.Co.3, T.Co.6; T.Do.10; T.H.2; T.He.3, T.He.11; T.Jan.J; T.Na.2; T.We.7, T.We.8.

The Rose Exercise
It was my practice to test if a client could benefit from image work by asking them to "see a rose"; this would be after I had checked that they could visualise their own front door -- and opening -- and a friend come out.  I would ask them to describe the Rose and then their feelings as they looked at it and finally see if they could speak to it.  Since this was only a preliminary exercise I did not normally transcribe it, but I gradually came to understand that this first, unexpected, dip into the unconscious could slip past defences to reveal valuable diagnostic information.  A vibrant red rose might signal an issue of powerful denied anger; a pink rosebud could point to baby issues; dew drops on the Rose revealed unshed tears, buried grief and sorrow. A rose might have thorns, or not; a rose might be past its bloom, or not fully open, or be damaged in some way, or have an insect eating at it.  One of the most interesting examples happened when I used the Rose exercise with a training group of fellow students: one saw a deep purplish-red single bloom in a cut glass vase.  She said to it in her mind "well I'm sorry but you are dead.  You are cut off you are dead."  (Demonstrating how people cannot follow the instructions unless you go with them step-by-step.  I had said to the group to get in touch with how they felt towards their Rose and then to say to it something like "I feel happy/sad/surprised etc as I look at you"). This trainee shared with us afterwards that she had been put in an incubator immediately after her pre-mature birth and her parents had told her she was quite purple when they first saw her.
A yellow Rose was rare; it signified fear and seemed particularly to point to a more fragile ego with a heightened risk of psychosis as with client Martin of the first transcript listed.  He exhibited that tendency of images to be unstable with rapid changes that is the contra-indication for image work.  Fear of madness is typical of the severe schizoid condition.  Client Olive was a middle child with sibling issues.
Transcripts: -- T.Ma.1a; T.Ol.1.

The Turn Exercise
This I think one of my major discoveries.  It can be used when the client is facing the anti-libidinal, whether as a thing or a figure, or a blocked situation.  It is very useful diagnostically; when Tara turned away from a black blob she was confronted with ice and soon felt she preferred the blob, which was in fact the inner baby as it were disguised under an anti-libidinal coating.  When turning away from a negative introject or an anti-libidinal pseudo subpersonality like the judge a positive vista will open up.  This  turning away from something that internally controls a client can be difficult or even impossible; I can still visualise one client sitting before me with her eyes closed and straining physically to turn her head over her shoulder, while in her image she could only make out the positive landscape as it were from the corner of her eye.
Transcripts: T.Co.2; T.Ev.1; T.Do.4; T.He.1, T.Ja.2, T.Ja.3, T.Ja.4; T.S.7, T.S.10, T.S.11; T.Ta.7

The Turn -- natural.
I classified two image sessions under this heading both with client Tara. Transcript T.Ta.1 as the clients first image session (with me) is interesting as showing the powerful defence system still in operation after previous therapy and the value of image work as a diagnostic tool.  The whirlpool motif was very important in subsequent work.
TranscriptT.Ta.6 occurred in the session where the client brought three dreams: --
Dream A shows the dream ego having therapy with a woman with long blonde hair in a cafe full of couples and feeling angry because it was the wrong place.  Then she was walking down a corridor, the therapist somewhere ahead; she knew the therapist had a lover, the therapist was called Babsy and she felt angry at that.
Interpretation: angry at me for exposing her (abuse mentioned in previous session) and angry at therapist for appropriating name/position of baby.
Dream B held no emotion.  There was shit on draining board, partner had not noticed, she cleaned it up and thought it must have been the cat who did it.
Interpretation: her shit in the house -- baby did it -- partner does not notice her problems.
Dream C.  Dream ego standing in hall with salesman whom she was angry at and wanted to leave.  Then holding pile of dishes with white pyrex bowl on top and man behind her about to push her off the stair.  She felt anxious when she woke up, hard for her to record dream because wanted to forget it, felt ill and wanted to calm down.  Went into dream at start of our image work
Transcript:- T.Ta.1, T.Ta.6.

Wise Person
This is an important character in psychosynthesis image work, taking someone up the mountain to meet their Wise Person is a standard exercise, but Jane is the only client with whom I ever used this.  The three transcripts that I append here show the Wise Person manifesting spontaneously.  This happened for Rosita in, I think, her last piece of work, an old woman in a cottage who told her that "the best advice is the advice you give yourself" in answer to a request for advice. Roy was a man of 69 who did not return after this one session, though he said he would.  For Tara it was more or less in the middle of her work with me. 
Transcripts: -- T.Ro.27; T.Roy.1; T.Ta.19.

That's all!  There was so much more but I have not the health or time to do anything with it, so I have thrown it out to preserve my clients' confidentiality.  You can't know how hard it was to throw out so much fascinating data.  Not that I expect any of these that I have put on the site to be used; there is no evidence that anyone has read any of the transcripts, or indeed that anyone has read much of anything I have put up but at the least I can die feeling I've done my duty by my profession.

Body

T.Do.4. Client Donna, (see Chapter 4)

            I can’t do it.  I’m just kind of speechless with pain...  I think there’s ... probably quite a lot of anger there ... I think kind of the guilt and the anger, betrayal, is kind of keeping the anger repressed.  (Q)  I can’t imagine it’s so strong ... I image it would be ... that I would be a lot freer ... freer to say what I really felt, something seems to be holding me, binding me (Q).

Th.       Can you see an image of this guilt ... ?
D.        (long pause).  Something like a chain, with a lock on.
Th.       What’s its size?
D.        It’s a very thick chain ... an iron chain.
Th.       How do you feel towards it?
D.        I don’t like it.  (Q) I just feel angry that it’s binding me in such a way, that it’s holding me, holding me back.  (Q) I feel angry that you’re binding me.  (Q) (long pause)  It seems a little looser but I, it’s still there.  (Q)  Not towards it. (Q) (long pause) I feel still angry with it.  (Q) (long pause) I feel angry that you’re still binding me.  Let me free.  (Q) It’s looser, it’s still round me but it’s looser still [illegible].
Th.       Can you let it fall off?
D.        (long pause) Yea.
Th.       As you see it there on the ground, what do you feel?
D.        I could kick it.
Th.       Can you do that?
D.        Mm.  I want to bury it somewhere.  I don’t want to see it again.  (Q) I’m angry with you and I don’t want to see you again.  Bury yourself out of my sight.  (Q) (long pause) It’s at a distance but I haven’t got away from it yet.
Th.       Then turn your back on it.
D.        I can see all sorts of colours at the moment (louder voice).  (Q) It’s changing so ... (Q) Something changing. [inaudible].
Th.       How do you feel towards the gold you see changing?
D.        I feel a bit apprehensive but I like [inaudible].  something good happening.
Th.       Speak ...
D.        (long pause)  I’ve just gone into a tunnel.  (Q) [inaudible]  It’s brighter ... it’s good, it feels that, really I’ve a sense that I get out of this tunnel, it’s got to be an expanse at the end.  I feel good as I see you light and bright.  I seem to be there.  I seem to have got out of it.  It’s good.
Th.       What’s happening?
D.        I feel good.  I feel happier that I’ve reached the mouth.
Th.       What do you see?
D.        Greenery, yellowy, orangey colour, some kind of a circle.  (Q) It’s good, it’s kind of something new there, something fresh.  It feels like spring (laughs), freshness, growth, lot of joy, excitement.  (Q) I feel joy, excitement, as I see you.
Th.       Step into the circle.
D.        Well, it’s like I’ve moved into kind of [illegible].  It’s like I’ve moved into a meadow, the sun is just rising and kind of a golden haze just over it, there’s a child there.  (Q) About 3 or 4 years ... it’s buttercups, sun shining.
Th.       How do you feel towards this child?
D.        I feel happy for her.  I want to play with her. (Q) I feel happy for you.  I’d like to play with you.  (Q) She just runs towards me.  (Q) I feel very loving towards her, I just want to embrace her.  (Q) I feel very loving towards you.  I just want to give you a good hug.  (Q) I do.  (Q) I feel very happy when I hold you.  (Q) Touched her.  We’re sitting down (long silence).  She’s running around picking the daisies.  That little girl is me.  (Q) I feel very loving towards her.  (Q) I love you.  You’re beautiful ... like something closing up ... a wound ... here I feel ... inside I feel that ... something has come together.  I feel more together.  I don’t know how to describe it ... peaceful.

Body

Abuse (Assertiveness)

T.Do.5 Transcript Client Donna, 3rd session, 2nd series

Th.       Are you in touch with that deep pain?
D.        Yea.
Th.       Are you able to actually get in touch with that child and see her? (long pause)  Is that possible?
D.        Yes ... that ... She’s very sad and she’s crying.
Th.       Is she sitting or standing?
D.        Standing.
Th.       She’s standing and crying ...  What age is she as you see her?
D.        About 4 or 5.
Th.       4 or 5.  And you see her standing there.  How do you feel as you see her there?
D.        (long pause, crying)  She looks lost.
Th.       It seems like you’re very much in touch with her.  Can you become ... this 4/5 year old child ... standing crying? (nods, pause).  How are you feeling as you stand crying?
D.        I just feel hurt and abandoned.
Th.       You feel hurt and abandoned.  What do you need?  What do you want?
D.        (pause)  I just want someone to be with me, to believe me.
Th.       Then say aloud, ‘I feel abandoned.  I need someone to believe me.’  (cries deeply, very long pause).  Is it not possible to say that?
D.        Too painful.
Th.       OK, it’s too painful (pause), then let yourself come back into the room.

Split

T.Do.7  Transcript Client Donna.  7th session 2nd series

Th.       See if it’s possible to get an image that represents what it is that suffocates you, that stops you, that judges the part of you that’s missing.  What it is that is obstructing, causing this problem ... and whatever comes, let it be there.  Do you have an image?
D.        No, I’ve got a kind of a floating feeling.
Th.       You have a floating feeling (mm) and you’re not seeing ...
D.        Kind of black.
Th.       It’s kind of black.  What emotions are you feeling?  Can you name them, as you see its blackness and have this sort of floating feeling?
D.        I just don’t ... I kind of feel that (cough), I’m kind of leaving my body really ... so I’m desperately trying to kind of ... still (sit in it) ... that feeling.
Th.       As though you were leaving your body.
D.        Mm.
Th.       (pause)  And that was a bit ...
D.        It’s kind of ...
Th.       Yea, go on, tell me.
D.        It’s a bit ... It’s like my body was kind of an object.
Th.       Aha.  As though your body was an object and you were somewhere else.
D.        Kind of separated from it (cough).
Th.       And what’s the emotion you’re experiencing as that happens?  Is that frightening?  Is there a word you could use?
D.        (pause)  Yes.  Yes, it’s frightening.  I don’t want that to happen.  I mean it’s kind of as if I’m splitting in two halves.
Th.       You don’t want to be separated from your body, OK.
D.        (crying)  It’s as though I’m splitting.
Th.       Let the tears come, let them come.
D.        (crying, gasping, sobbing, coughing).
Th.       You don’t want to split from your body, and what emotions do you feel towards your body?  (crying, gasping, sobbing) (pause) (coughing).  You don’t want to be split from your body  How are you feeling towards your body?
D.        (crying)  I think it’s, it’s the part of my body I’ve cut off from.
Th.       Right.  But you don’t want that, right?
D.        (crying)  I want to be all together.
Th.       You want to be all together.  (crying, gasping, coughing, sobbing).  Can you name the feeling towards the body that you have, that you don’t want to be split from.  What emotion is there?
D.        It’s a feeling of loss (sigh).  Grief, I suppose (sob) ... everything just floating ...
Th.       And you want to re-connect ... be one with your body, is that right?  What are you seeing?
D.        (gasp, sob)  There’s a kind of sense that everything’s moving around, and it wants to kind of all come together (right) (gasping breaths).
Th.       Are you seeing anything?  No?
D.        There’s a feeling of movement (OK) and that ...
Th.       See if an image will come that represents the body ... have an image of your body or an image of the sense, the body that you’re disconnected from, that you want so much to be not split off.  Can you see an image?  No?
D.        There’s a lot of colours moving around but, em, an image hasn’t formed, no.
Th.       Are you aware of any emotion as you see the colours or is it still grief and loss that you’re in touch with?
D.        It’s kind of a calming feeling now.
Th.       As you see the colours?
D.        Mm.
Th.       What colours are there?
D.        (cough) Black and grey, and it’s kind of getting like, em, a tombstone or something ... (pause).
Th.       A tombstone (mm).  And how are you feeling towards that?
D.        Like part of me is buried there.
Th.       OK, so part of you is buried there.
D.        Yea.
Th.       OK.  How is it for you that part of you is buried?
D.        I feel sad.
Th.       Aha, and what do you want in relation to the part of you that is buried?
D.        I want to be reconnected to it.
Th.       OK, you want to be reconnected to it.  Then speak that, as you see that tombstone, ‘I feel grief and loss (sniff) that you are buried.  I want you back’.  Speak that to the part that is under the tombstone.
D.        (sniff, sob)  I feel grief and loss that are buried, separated from me.  I want you back.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
D.        (cough)  The, the stone seems to be lifting.
Th.       The stone is lifting (sniff, sob).  And how is that for you that the stone is lifting?
D.        (gulp)  I still feel sad but I’m, something that’s going to come.
Th.       So there is some hope there now.
D.        Yea.
Th.       (pause)  What’s happening now?  Is the stone moving away or ... ?  What’s happening?
D.        It’s turned on its side (aha) (pause, blows nose, gasp, sigh).  There’s, there’s a colour rising from the tomb.
Th.       A colour (mm).  What colour is that?
D.        It’s kind of, it’s a purply-red.
Th.       Purply-red (mm) aha.  And how are you feeling as you see that colour?
D.        I feel good.  As if it’s part of me.
Th.       Then say to it, ‘I feel good as I see you.  You’re part of me’.
D.        I feel good as I see you.  You are a part of me.
Th.       (pause)  What happens?
D.        (pause, cough).  It’s a, an oblong (mm) shape, I presume kind of a shape with the colour, it’s kind of red and purple and there’s some black in it (sigh).  And it’s just there, the tombstone.
Th.       Up there.
D.        Over there, no, the tombstone’s on its side and its kind of in the place where the tombstone was.
Th.       Mm, and how are you feeling now as you look at this ... column of colour?
D.        I feel I want to connect to it (cough), that I want to claim it.
Th.       You want to claim it (mm).
D.        I want to, to connect to it in some way, yea ... I, I feel that is part of me that I want to connect to it.
Th.       Then say that to it, ‘I want to connect to you, you’re part of me.’
D.        I want to connect to you.  I feel part of you, I feel you’re part of me.
Th.       And what happens?
D.        I’m closer to it, I’m getting that floating feeling again.
Th.       How is that for you, that you are closer to it?
D.        It’s good (then say, yes?).  I feel as if I’m being re-formed and re-shaped or something, this kind of movement.
Th.       You’re being re-formed and re-shaped.  OK.  Let that happen.  You’re being re-formed, re-shaped.  How does that feel now?  What emotion are you experiencing?
D.        (pause)  It feels as if I’m kind of receiving some kind of energy in some way (energy).  It’s difficult to explain (OK).
Th.       OK, that’s alright, you’re receiving energy (yea) aha.  Is that a good feeling or (yea), it’s a good feeling as the energy comes in, aha.  Then say that, ‘I feel good to receive this energy.’
D.        I feel good to receive this energy.
Th.       (pause)  What’s happening?  Are you seeing anything or just receiving the energy?
D.        I’m just receiving.  It’s, it’s a funny kind of a sensation that.  It’s like as if my body’s being re-formed or re-shaped and, em ...
Th.       OK, so it’s a process.
D.        It’s a kind of a, everything is moving around to make room for this extra that’s coming in.
Th.       And you want this extra to come in.
D.        Yes.  It’s good.  It’s kind of in but everything is, em, mostly in but everything is kind of ... It’s a funny feeling but ...
Th.       OK,  be aware of it.
D.        It’s kind of ... making room for it adjusting its size and its shape.
Th.       Then say words of welcome (mm), ‘I welcome you in’.  Does that fit?
D.        (sniff)  Yes, I welcome you.  It’s good.  It’s ... every inch of my body is just ... seems to be kind of in an adjustment to it.
Th.       Then say to it, ‘I welcome you into all my body, into every part of my body.’
D.        I welcome you into ... every part of my body.  It feels good (sigh, pause).  I’m just seeing a kind of a very bright ... light.
Th.       A very bright light.  And how does that feel?  What emotion comes up as you see this very bright light?
D.        I feel, it’s good.  I feel it, em, a joyful feeling, em, yea.
Th.       Then say to the light, ‘I feel joy to see you.  I feel joyful.
D.        I feel joy to see you.  I feel joyful.
Th.       How close are you to the light?
D.        It’s just here in front of me.
Th.       Mm.  Do you want to be closer?
D.        I can step into it.
Th.       Step into the light.
D.        It’s like, it’s em, just enveloping my whole body and ...
Th.       So you’re enveloped in light.
D.        It’s in a sense, as if it’s just, em ... strange, but em, letting me know the boundaries of my body, the way my body has (right) expanded if you will, or kind of re-shaped.  It’s as if it’s kind of pointing out to me, you know, where I am now, where my body is (aha).
Th.       And how is it for you that the light does that?
D.        It’s good, kind of like ... It’s, em, making, letting me, kind of feel and really I suppose again while all the movement was going on (right), it’s just to, em, to know what was going on.  Where I was myself in all the movement.
Th.       And now you feel real, you say.
D.        Yea.  I feel, you know, my kind of know.  I’m back in my body again and kind of where my body is taking up a more solid, em, form again, that, em ...
Th.       Then say that, ‘I feel real and solid in my body now.’
D.        I feel real and solid in my body (pause).  I feel in some way, em, that I’m kind of seeing a kind of purple thing in front of me now that, em, oh sort of three or four sessions ago, remember when that gift was being offered to me and I couldn’t ...
Th.       Yes, you couldn’t take it.
D.        Couldn’t take it, feels like that gift that I have actually got now.  That, that’s what it was (aha).  Because it’s that kind of same purple, this image, as that one tied with a bow (right) and it seems to be connected with this and I’ve actually received in my body now.
Th.       You’ve received the gift.
D.        Yea.  This is what was being kind of shown to me.  It belonged to me in a sense but I, I was hesitant in taking it ‘cos I didn’t know what it was.
Th.       Right ... and now you know.
D.        Mm.  It was a part of myself that was ... missing.
Th.       And how is it for you that now you’ve accepted the gift of the part that was missing?
D.        It’s good.  I feel together.
Th.       You feel together (mm) (pause).  What’s happening now?
D.        It’s kind of ... feeling that I’ve kind of in a sense taken a new shape (mm).
Th.       You’ve taken a new shape.
D.        Yea, my body has kind of taken some kind of ... (pause) em, in its ... it’s a bit strange in one sense but it’s, it’s kind of good in another sense.  It’s just a matter of getting used to this (very long pause).
Th.       Can you say what’s happening?
D.        At the moment there’s just a ... a lot of kind of trees floating in front of me and, em ...
Th.       You’re seeing trees floating in front of you.
D.        Yes, em, I came into a field or something that’s surrounded by trees.
Th.       (pause)  And how is that for you, as you go into this field surrounded by trees?
D.        It’s good, it’s, em, springtime (it’s spring), late spring because the leaves are just, some of them are only buds, more of them are just kind of open.
Tape change
Th.       ... Surrounded by trees (mm).  It’s spring and new growth (mm).  Are you standing or walking?
D.        I’m standing, yes.
Th.       And how are you feeling as you stand in this field in springtime, surrounded by new growth?
D.        I, I’m feeling good, I’m feeling very hopeful, I think what’s coming to me is that, em ... (pause).  That some kind of growth has happened within myself, and this is kind of the symbol for ...
Th.       Growth that has happened in you.
D.        Yea.  It’s kind of, em, yea, actually that’s, yea, that reminds me now because I think I told you this last week, I don’t know if this twilight image I had fairly recently, anyway within the last week or fortnight of, em, a flower bud and the petals were starting to expand and kind of, em, take up more space if you will.
Th.       Yes?  And that was in the twilight.
D.        Mm.  And this is more or less kind of the same kind of thing that I can see, kind of the almost see the leaves, you know, the buds just beginning to shoot open.
Th.       Right.
D.        And, em, you can almost kind of see them growing.  There’s growth and there’s new life.
Th.       There’s growth and new life (mm).  And as you see the growth and new life you feel ...?
D.        I feel good.  I feel very hopeful.  I feel happy.
Th.       You feel happy and hopeful (mm) (pause).  What’s happening?
D.        It’s gone.
Th.       So that was the time for the image to go.  But it’s still there, the growth.  And I should think you can go back to it when you need to.  How are you feeling in yourself?
D.        I’m feeling much calmer and much more peaceful.  I’m feeling tired.  I think the tiredness is from this turmoil when everything in my body was kind of moving about.
Th.       And the suffocation?
D.        It’s gone.
Th.       And how is your body, apart from the tiredness?  Are you aware of the new shape?
D.        Yes, the periphery of it is, em, is kind of a warm, glowy kind of feeling.  Gosh, it’s gone quick.
End of session.

Regressed Ego (Body)

T.Do.10, Transcript Client Donna, 6th session 3rd series

Th.       OK, a cocoon or a bubble, let yourself see, or build it round you in your imagination, how that would be ... (mm), just let it build, whatever feels ... yea?  This cocoon or bubble in which you could feel safe (pause).  Then tell me how it is, or what, what’s your experience of it.  Do you see it?  You know it is opaque or transparent or whatever.
D.        It’s, em, it’s opaque, it’s a kind of, em, an insulated thing, it’s a kind of an insulated cover which, em, round myself.  I can see out (right) but it’s kind of, em, that kind of thickness outside myself padded (right) and, em, not solid, it’s, em... What I’m thinking of is, em, a, you know the way, em, I suppose a duvet or one of those things but a very, very thick one, that kind of thing but it’s kind of my shape rather than being just a straight piece there.  It’s all round me (all round you, yea).  It’s all over me except there’s a window that I can kind of look out but it’s, em (right).  It’s like that it’s a little solider than a duvet but not totally solid, like if people pushed against it they would feel it kind of soft.  It’s padded but it’s protecting me.
Th.       Right.  OK.  You’re covered in this padded thick safe-feeling duvet-like thing that you can just see out (mm).  Can you hear anything inside it, I mean is it over your head?
D.        It’s over my head but I can hear.
Th.       You can hear.
D.        Yes, I need to hear.
Th.       You need to be able to hear and you can see out.
D.        And I need to be able to see, yea.
Th.       How do you feel inside this?
D.        I feel very comfortable, very cosy.
Th.       Very cosy, very comfortable (mm).
D.        It’s more or less kind of protecting me from feeling, em, other people’s kind of pain and it’s just keeping it at a distance from me (right) making me feel secure.
Th.       Right, so you’re feeling quite secure in this covering, yea?  (mm).  And it’s quite cosy (mm) and comfortable (mm).  Are you seeing or hearing anything as you’re in this covering?
D.        Oh yea.  I’m, I can see out of it and I can hear anything that’s going on as well.
Th.       Right.  What are you actually seeing round you?  Is there anything in your image or ...?
D.        (pause)  At the moment it’s kind of a field with sunshine.
Th.       OK.  It’s a field with sunshine that you’re seeing.
D.        There aren’t any people around.
Th.       And you’re quite safely inside your covering (mm).  And you’re protected and outside you see this field with sunshine (mm).  So just let that be there, be aware of this sensation.  You’re quite protected from other people’s pain and difficulty ... and let yourself be aware if there is any emotion coming up, and tell me.  There may not be but if there is, let me know.
D.        (long pause)  I think the most thing is that I, I’m kind of going inside myself and, em, ... I suppose I’m still in touch with, em, that vulnerability and sadness.
Th.       OK, so you are feeling vulnerable and sad (mm) and also quite secure inside this (mm) comfortable cover.
D.        But it’s, it’s my own, you know, it’s all kind of contained within myself.
Th.       Right, so you can keep out, the cover keeps out other people’s pain (mm) but you have your own vulnerability inside you (mm) and your sadness (mm)  and you can see still this sunny field.
D.        When I look out.
Th.       When you look out, sometimes you don’t look out and you go inside yourself (no, no) (long pause).  What would your vulnerability say if it could speak?
D.        (pause)  I need security.
Th.       Is there more security it needs other than this duvet cover that’s protecting you?
D.        This is protecting me at the moment but I’m very aware of ... what’s outside it.
Th.       (pause)  So even though you’re protected from what’s outside, the awareness is still there for your vulnerability (mm).  And yet you said you were feeling secure, is that you’re feeling secure but part of you is still feeling vulnerable even inside?
D.        (pause) I’m feeling secure while I’m in here but I’m still aware that, em, kind of it’s not real in a sense, I can’t kind of stay here (mm, do you want ...?)  That’s where I feel the ...
Th.       So somewhere there’s part of you saying, ‘You’ll have to come out of this safe (mm) covering eventually, and then outside there will be pain and difficulty and ... yea?  What do you want, as you are at the moment, within this safe covering, and still there’s vulnerability?  What do you actually want?  Is there  anything you are aware of wanting?
D.        (long pause)  The only thing that comes is rest ... and space.
Th.       Rest and space (pause)  OK.  I’m going to suggest something.  If you can do it.  OK, if not, if it doesn’t seem appropriate, then leave it.  If you can move away from where you are and see who it is who says, ‘I need rest and space.’ (pause).  An image of who it is who says that.
D.        It’s my child.
Th.       OK, you see your child (mm).  Can you tell me the age of your child as you see her there.
D.        Six ... or seven.
Th.       Six or seven.  Describe to me how you are seeing her ... Is she standing or sitting or do you see her in the duvet?
D.        I see her in this cocoon kind of curled up and wanting to go to sleep.
Th.       Right, so she’s curled up inside this cocoon (mm) wanting to go to sleep ... and as you see her there, are there surroundings?  Do you see her in this sunny field or do you just see her in the cocoon curled up?
D.        Just her in the cocoon.
Th.       Just in the cocoon, no surroundings.  Does this cocoon have a colour?
D.        Yes, it’s green.
Th.       It’s green.  She’s curled up in this green cocoon and she wants to go to sleep.  How are you feeling as you see her there?
D.        (pause)  I feel I want to ... kind of stretch her out a bit.  She’s curled up in it and just let her rest.
Th.       OK, so you want to let her rest and you want her to stretch out (mm).
D.        She’s not occupying the room, you see.  She’s kind of ...
Th.       So you’d like her to occupy all the space available to her (mm).  Is there an emotion that you feel towards her, as you say that?
D.        I feel very sympathetic towards her and very loving towards her.
Th.       OK, you feel very loving towards her, right.  Are you able to speak to her and say, ‘I feel loving towards you.  I want you to rest and have all the space you need.’
D.        (pause)  I feel very loving towards you.  I want you to rest and to stretch out and have all the space you need ... and just rest.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
D.        (pause)  She’s stretching out ... full length (right).
Th.       So she’s stretched out fully into the cocoon.
D.        Mm.  She just turned.  I want to put her lying down.  I want to put the cocoon on its side.
Th.       So that she can lie down (mm).  Do you see her face? (yea)  Mm.  Can you see the expression on her face?
D.        It’s just looking weary and tired.
Th.       She’s looking weary and tired.  Can you say to her, ‘I’m willing for you to lie down and rest.’
D.        (pause)  I would like you to lie down and rest.
Th.       (pause)  What happens?
D.        (pause)  I’ve put the cocoon on its side and she’s ... lying down with her eyes closed (mm).
Th.       And how do you feel now that she’s lying down with her eyes closed?
D.        I feel I want to protect her and let her sleep now and have the rest she needs.
Th.       Can you speak that to her, ‘I feel protective towards you, I will let you have the rest you need.’
D.        I feel protective towards you.  I will let you have all the rest that you need.
Th.       And how do you feel now you’ve said that?
D.        (pause)  I feel although she’s kind of there inside the cocoon but think also something inside of me that kind of, em, just, em, relaxing and em, resting and kind of going to sleep I feel kind of ... she’s out there but she’s also in here.
Th.       So you have a sense of relaxation and resting inside.  Is that ...?
D.        Mm.  Part of me, mm.
Th.       Right, and you see that she is sleeping, relaxing in ...(yea) and you feel it in yourself also (yea) (long pause).  Did something happen then?
D.        Yes, it was just that I was going to say something.  I sensed I could speak, part of me that wants to ... withdraw and, em, curl up and shut, shut out the pain and just rest (mm) and be nourished, going to sleep.
Th.       And I hear something in that voice that’s the part of me that wants to lock everything out and just be nurtured and go to sleep and you’ve allowed her to go to sleep (mm).  Is there a bit of you arguing that it shouldn’t happen or ...?
D.        There’s a bit of me that, em, is having difficulty in giving the other bit of me permission to do that.
Th.       OK, OK.  So now let’s see if you can see that bit of you that thinks it’s not OK to let her sleep curled up comfortably in her cocoon.  See an image of the bit of you that resists that, that doesn’t want that to happen, says it shouldn’t happen.
D.        (pause)  The bit of me that, em, feels I must be available.
Th.       How are you seeing, are you seeing an image?  Are you seeing an image?  An image of ...
D.        Not at the moment.
Th.       OK.  See if you can see an image of the one who says, ‘You must be available.  You must always be available.’  (long pause).  Does an image come?
D.        Not at the moment, no.  (pause)  At the moment it’s just colours, and black and a bit or orange.
Th.       Black and a bit of orange.  OK.  Let the colour be there, it’s mainly black and a bit of orange.
D.        A wee bit of orange.
Th.       A tiny bit of orange, mainly black.  Does the black have any shape or it is just black?
D.        A black blob.
Th.       A black blob, OK.  Let that be there, yea?  That is what says, ‘You must always be available.’  (pause)  How are you feeling as you look at this black blob, with a tiny bit of orange?
D.        (pause)  Em.  I feel a bit controlled by it.
Th.       OK, yea.
D.        And I suppose a part of me is a bit afraid of it.
Th.       OK, so a bit controlled by it and a bit afraid of it, OK.  Is it possible, mm, to see both images, the child in her cocoon and the black blob (yea).  OK.  Can you tell me the relationship you see them in, are they close together or far apart, is one above or below or what?
D.        The black one is above.
Th.       Right, and the child is stretched out in her cocoon (mm)  OK.  So there’s the black blob above and the child stretched out.  Now look at that.  how do you feel as you see that ... composite image?  (long pause).  Or is there anything you want to do as you look at that composite image?
D.        I just feel that it’s domineering this child and, em (pause) controlling it.
Th.       So the black blob is domineering the child and controlling her (mm).  And how is that for you?
D.        (pause)  It’s kind of, that I’m split in two.
Th.       Stay where you are, OK?  You’re seeing the black blob domineering the child (mm).  What are you experiencing inside yourself, in the way of emotions or a desire to do anything or ... a need or a want.
D.        Part of me is feeling, em ... very protective towards this child (mm) but that’s kind of ... overshadowed by this black.  It’s em, in a sense wanting to keep this child repressed and, em (OK) and, em, not to give it what it needs.
Th.       Look at the image.  There’s a black blob domineering over the child (mm) in her cocoon and part of your feels very protective towards the child (mm) and I understand that part of you is frightened of that black blob (mm).  What do you want to happen as you look at that image?
D.        (pause)  I want the child to have more space.
Th.       Right.  So you want to child to have more space.  What therefore do you want in relation to that black blob?
D.        I want it to have less control.  I want it to diminish really.
Th.       OK.  So you want it to diminish (mm) but at the moment it’s taking up space, it sound like, that belongs to the child (mm).  Is there an emotion in you about that, that this black blob is taking up the space and domineering over the child?  How do you feel towards that black blob, that you want to diminish?
D.        I feel ... I suppose afraid of it really (mm) and em ... in a sense I suppose helpless.  I feel I’ve kind of surrendered ‘cos I don’t feel I have the energy or the (OK) effort to kind of, em ...
Th.       OK.  Leave that.  OK, I understand you’re afraid of the blob and can see the child and you can see the blob and you feel protective towards the child and you want her to have more space (mm).  Can you speak that to her again, ‘I feel protective towards you.  I want you to have more space.’
D.        I feel protective towards you and I want you to have more space.
Th.       Does anything happen in the image as you say that?
D.        Yea.
Th.       What happens?
D.        It seems that she has ... stretched out kind of my image at the moment ...
Tape change
[My memory is she showed the image to be in her abdomen and the black blob on her shoulder].
D.        ... lower half, the child sort of, the lower half of my body, the child is occupying (mm) and the black is still overhead but it seems to have kind of, either kind of closed up tight or lost part of its lower bit because it was down on this side as well.
Th.       So the child has now got more space.
D.        The child is stretched out in this position.
Th.       And how are you feeling now that there’s that change and she’s stretched out more horizontally.
D.        Em ... I still feel that, that black is kind of oppressing her and pushing me down, em, but the part of me is kind of feeling a bit freer, it’s, it’s (OK) it’s difficult to describe really, em, because the black has still got the upper ...
Th.       OK, I understand (control) it’s still got the upper hand but the child has a little more space (mm) yea?  How are you feeling towards the child now that she’s stretched out a bit more horizontally?
D.        I still feel very protective towards her and I feel very loving towards her as well (mm) and there’s kind of a calmness in that part of me but you know pressure on the other.
Th.       OK.  Is there anything you want, does she need more space or ...?
D.        She’s quite content, em, asleep at the moment but I’m kind of feeling, em, kind of worn down, kind of weighed down.
Th.       OK, so what do you want in relation to that weight?
D.        I want it lifted off (right) it kind of, kind of seems to be pushing me down, holding me down.
Th.       OK, and what emotion comes up as you feel it pushing you down?
D.        I feel constricted.
Th.       Mm.  You feel constricted and pushed down (mm) Yea?  And what’s the emotion?
D.        (long pause)  I don’t know.  I just kind of feel I haven’t, haven’t got the energy to ...
Th.       OK.  So at the moment this black thing is constricting you (mm), sort of on the top half of you, and the child is stretched out (mm).  She’s quite comfortably asleep, yea?  OK, we’ll try one more step.  Can you step back and see, yea? who it is with the black weight on the top and the child stretched out asleep ... stand back away from it and see them (pause).  Is that possible?
D.        I’m having difficulty in kind of doing that.  (long pause).  Em, difficulty in kind of detaching myself from it.
Th.       Right, so that’s not possible.  So you’re still there with the black thing on your top half and (mm) the child asleep in your lower half.
D.        It’s just, it’s kind of ... feels quite a weight at the moment on top of me and I just can’t kind of get detached from.
Th.       And the emotion you feel that you have this weight that you can’t get detached from?
D.        It’s crushed ... held down.
Th.       The child you said is quite comfortably asleep (mm).  Let’s see if it’s possible for you to become the child ... see if we see something from her point of view.  Is it possible?
D.        (long pause)  Yep.
Th.       OK.  What are you seeing and how are you, now a child about six, yea?
D.        Mm.  I’m still in my cocoon but this thing is on top of the cocoon.
Th.       Ah.  You don’t see another person there with this black thing on top of her?  No, you’re just in your cocoon and this black thing is on top of it (mm).  And how are you feeling?
D.        (pause)  I feel safe in here but unable, unable to move out, to move out of it.  I, I’m kind of scared to move out of it.  I’m OK while I’m in here.
Th.       Right.  You’re OK while you’re in there but you can’t move out of it. (mm).  Do you want or need anything?  That you are aware of as you lie there in your cocoon?
D.        I would like that, em, weight, that black blob to disappear.
Th.       You want the black blob to disappear.
D.        To change it somehow.
Th.       To change or to disappear?
D.        Either.
Th.       You’re feeling quite safe inside your cocoon but afraid to come out (mm) (pause).  Is it possible to speak to that black thing?  Don’t do it, just check out is that at all possible?
D.        Yea, I think it is, mm.
Th.       OK.  Try saying to it, ‘I want you to disappear.’
D.        I want you to disappear.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
D.        It seems to kind of give a bit of a move.  It’s, em, the weight’s not down on the cocoon now but it also kind of turned on its side.
Th.       Mm, so the weight is no longer on the cocoon.
D.        It’s almost, it lifted a bit off it.
Th.       Right, it’s turned vertically, mm.  How is that for you?
D.        That’s easier.
Th.       Do you still want it to disappear?
D.        Oh yes, to go a bit farther anyway.
Th.       Right.  Try saying to it again, ‘I want you to disappear.’
D.        I want you to disappear.
Th.       And what happens?
D.        (pause)  It has lifted more and it’s actually changing into a kind of a grey colour and it’s kind of becoming more, em, it’s shape has changed as well.  It’s, em, it’s lengthened.
Th.       Aha.  What emotion does that produce in you as you see that?
D.        I feel, em, lighter and I feel not scary.  It’s not as scary, I’m not as frightened of it.
Th.       Right.  Do you still want it to disappear.
D.        Yep.
Th.       OK.  Can you say to it, ‘I’m not as frightened of you anymore.  I want you to disappear.’
D.        I’m not as frightened of you anymore ... and I want you to disappear.
Th.       And what happens?
D.        It’s gone into a kind of, am, a grey-white cloud (mm) not totally in the sky but it’s lifted quite a bit from me.
Th.       Mm.  And how are you feeling?
D.        I’m feeling very relieved.
Th.       Right.  Do you still have more wants?  Do you still want it to disappear?
D.        Yea ‘cos I’m afraid it might come back.
Th.       OK.  Then say to it again, ‘I want you to disappear completely.’
D.        I want you to disappear completely.
Th.       And what happens?
D.        It has gone into the clouds.  I’ve also got a feeling of ... kind of heat just round here [base of throat].
Th.       OK, a feeling of heat, of warmth (yea) mm ... and it’s gone up into the clouds away (mm).  Is that a pleasant feeling that feeling of heat?  (yea).  Right.  Tell me where you are.  Look around you.
D.        I just seem to be in ... surrounded by colour at the moment.
Th.       Mm.  What sort of colour is it that surrounds you?
D.        It’s, em, a mixture of colours really, em, it’s a, a lot of bright kind of yellow.  Then there’s kind of a bluey-purple.
Th.       And you’re feeling warm and you’re surrounded by yellow and some bluey-purple (mm).  Are you aware of an emotion in yourself?
D.        I’m very content.
Th.       Then speak that, ‘I feel warm and content.’
D.        I feel warm and content.
Th.       (pause)  OK, and in your own way and in your own time, bring yourself back into the room.
D.        (long pause)  Oh I don’t want to come back (laughs).
Th.       How are you feeling now, apart from not wanting to come back?
D.        (laughing)  I’m feeling quite, em, contained, I suppose, contained.

The Turn Exercise

T.Ev.1 Transcript Client Eve 4th session 3rd series 18.12.90

Th.       Allow an image to come that represents this aspect of all the people you know which is this entity to whom you have made this vow that you will pay the price.
E.         Oh ... oooh.
Th.       What do you see?
E.         Well I was ... (half laugh).
Th.       Let it be there.
E.         Yes, I was looking at ... it’s an association with something else I was looking at last night, I was looking at, em, a little book on ...
Th.       Tell me what you see.
E.         Well I see, I see a pain..., a painted version of God’s face, by Van Eyk from the Adoration of the Lamb.
Th.       OK, so you see a face.
E.         Sort of very Old Testament God of Judgement.
Th.       Right, how is the face looking as you see it?
E.         Very stern.
Th.       Very stern ... mm is it looking at you?
E.         Yes.
Th.       Mm, and how do you feel as this stern Old Testament face looks at you?
E.         (pause) Em, I feel bad.
Th.       What’s the emotion?
E.         Frightened.
Th.       You feel frightened.  OK, and how do you feel towards that face sternly looking at you?
E.         Angry.
Th.       You feel angry.
E.         Mm.
Th.       OK.  Are you willing to say to the face, ‘I feel angry with you’?
E.         (pause).  Yea.
Th.       Then say it aloud, to the face, ‘I feel angry with you’.
E.         I feel angry with you.
Th.       And what happens?
E.         (pause)  It’s ... it carries on looking but it’s sort of ... It doesn’t feel so harsh.
Th.       And how are you feeling?  Are you still feeling angry?
E.         (pause).  Not ... no I feel as if my anger is sort of evaporating ... lighter.
Th.       Mm.  So how are you feeling?
E.         I think freer, and stronger.
Th.       You’re feeling freer, you’re feeling stronger, OK.  Turn your back on that face and look in the other direction ... and tell me what you see.
E.         (cough).  I see a sort of golden light.
Th.       You see a golden light.
E.         Mm, sort of like, yes, it’s like those paintings of, that represent the Holy Ghost, doves with rays of light.
Th.       Mm, and how do you feel as you see the golden light?
E.         (pause).  Mm.  I feel myself.
Th.       And how is it to feel yourself?
E.         (throat clear). Em.
Th.       What’s the emotion?
E.         Relief.  I feel sort of ... yes, I feel loved.
Th.       You feel loved.
E.         Mm.
Th.       And how do you feel towards the golden light that you see?
E.         I feel love towards that.
Th.       Mm.  Are you willing to say to the golden light, ‘I feel loved and I feel love towards you’?
E.         I feel loved, and I feel love towards you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
E.         Em ... (slight laugh).  I fly off with the dove.
Th.       You fly off with the dove.
E.         Yes ... yes.
Th.       And how is that?
E.         ... It feels magic ... it’s good.
Th.       Then say, ‘I feel good’.
E.         I feel good ... it’s great ... mm ... I feel free (sniff).
Th        (long pause).  Let yourself enjoy the feeling.
E.         Mm.
Th.       Carry on with it.  (Long, long pause).  Where are you now?
E.         (sniff)  I’m just floating.
Th.       Just floating.
E.         Mm.  (sniff, cough).
Th.       And the dove?
E.         Yes, he’s alongside, mm.
Th.       How do you feel towards the dove?
E.         Em ... I feel at one with it.
Th.       Then say to the dove, ‘I feel at one with you’.
E.         I feel at one with you.
Th.       (pause) And what happens?
E.         (pause)  It’s as though I can see everything else below and it’s sort of ... I can see ... see it all, people I know ... family ... I can see what they are ... em ... I just see the children ... and sort of family as well and they’re all, they’re all just happy living their lives.
Th.       (pause)  They’re all happy living their lives.
E.         Mm.
Th.       And how do you feel as you see that?
E.         It makes me smile.
Th.       So you feel ...?
E.         I feel happy (sniff).
Tape change
E.         (long pause).  What sort of kept, the thought that kept cropping up, and yet I was trying to sort of not deal with it ‘cos I wanted to experience the feeling but it’s, and, em, it relates to what I said about (sigh) seeing sort of the, the judgemental side of people and friends and so on (sniff) and it’s difficult to know whether that’s something I’m projecting on to them or something I’m receiving.  I suppose it’s both ... and if I can change that or if I can that in another way.
Th.       As you did at the end of that.
E.         Mm.
Th.       Then ...?
E.         Then, then what, then what do I ... (laugh).  I mean I don’t know whether I ... ‘cos I mean when I thought of the sort of the judgemental figure and then the God of Love, I mean I was also seeing Ron and Dick, em, but I don’t know whether what I should be doing (illegible) should.  Er is the guilt.
Th.       Now you’re starting to ...
E.         Yes, that I should be seeing Ron as both, you know, and you know that’s again the guilt coming back ... and I suppose that’s Ron sort of standing looking at me and saying (laughing) look you can see me as a , as a figure of love, or you should be.
Th.       You should be.
E.         Mm, mm (sniff) so maybe once that’s right it ... he once said to me ... a few years ago that, em, when I was saying that I wanted to leave him that you can love anybody if you want to really, if you just work at it, anyone.

Body (Light, Warmth, Knife)

T.Ev.3.  Transcript Client Eve, 6th session, 3rd series. 10.1.91

Th.       Close your eyes and allow yourself to experience that nothingness inside (mm) ... and tell me how it seems to be visually as you go down into the nothingness (mm) inside and from which you have to keep feeding other people.
E.         It feels ... there’s a sense that (sighs) it, it makes me sort of tremble, a tremor inside as I’m imagining myself being like that.
Th.       (pause) Being like what?  Can you say?
E.         Well, in that situation where I’m giving out, em, and (cough) em ... being with Ron.
Th.       And you’re giving out from this nothingness (mm) and there’s a tremor as (mm) you think about it.  OK, what is the tremor?  What emotion?
E.         I think it’s anger, sort of suppressed anger, sort of all kind of quivering inside.
Th.       You think there is anger inside?
E.         Mm, or anger and fear, they actually go together.
Th.       Right.
E.         The fear seems to suppress the anger.
Th.       So the fear is suppressing the anger (mm).  Let an image come that represents the fear that suppresses the anger (pause).  What do you see?
E.         I don’t see anything at the moment.  I just need to concentrate (pause).  I see myself too much on the outside at the moment.
Th.       OK, how are you seeing yourself on the outside?
E.         Well, (laugh) in the kitchen chopping vegetables (laugh) with a knife in my hand (laugh).  It’s an aggressive image.
Th.       OK.
E.         Preparing meals, yes.
Th.       OK.  Be aware this is the outer form, just an outer garment as it were of the image, let it fall away and see the true image.
E.         (pause)  I feel it’s like a sort of ... feels like a fluttering kind of wing.  I suppose it’s a bird form.
Th.       You’re seeing some form of bird fluttering?
E.         Yes.
Th.       Mm, and how do you feel as you see the bird fluttering?
E.         I feel ... protective towards it.
Th.       You feel protective towards it.  OK, say that to the fluttering bird, ‘I feel protective towards you’.
E.         Yea.  I feel protective towards you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
E.         Mm, it’s slowed down.
Th.       Mm.
E.         It’s. it’s a white bird.
Th.       A white bird.
E.         (cough) Em, that lands, that lands on a perch or a branch.
Th.       Aha, so now you see the white bird landing on a branch (mm).  How are you feeling now?
E.         Calmer.
Th.       And how do you feel towards the bird?
E.         Safer.
Th.       You feel safer.  How do you feel towards the bird, the white bird?
E.         I feel more loving towards it.
Th.       More loving towards it.  Say that to the bird.
E.         I feel more loving towards you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
E.         The bird nestles against me.
Th.       Mm.  OK.  How is that for you?
E.         Oh, it’s nice.
Th.       Mm ... and how are you feeling?
E.         I feel good inside.
Th.       Mm, and towards the bird?
E.         Em, I feel love.
Th.       Then say to the bird, ‘I love you.’
E.         I love you.
Th.       What happens?
E.         Oh, it kind of dissolves.  The bird and I are one.
Th.       Ah, and how does that feel, now the bird and you are one?
E.         I feel stronger (coughs) ... (long pause). Mm, I feel calmer (pause)  I can’t really see anything any more, it’s just, em, dark but warm and glowing.
Th.       Dark and warm ... and glowing?
E.         Mm, like a fireside glow sort of thing.
Th.       Warm and glowing, like a fireside.
E.         Mm.
Th.       Mm, how do you feel towards that warm glow?
E.         I feel comforted.
Th.       More comforted ... and towards that warm glow?
E.         Em (cough)  Oh, I like it, I love it, yes.
Th.       Do you want to be any closer to the warm glow?
E.         I want to be part of it.
Th.       Say that to it, ‘I want to be part of you.’
E.         I want to be part of you.
Th.       What happens as you say that?
E.         I, I can feel it enveloping me (cough).
Th.       You feel it enveloping you ... and how is that?
E.         It feels warm and good ... part.  I feel warmed by it within.
Th.       You feel warmed within.
E.         (long pause) I feel stronger.
Th.       You feel strong.
E.         Mm, and more secure within me (coughs).
Th.       And more secure within you.
E.         Mm.  (long pause)  I’m beginning to see the, the nothingness beyond (mm) and ...
Th.       And now that you feel stronger and more secure within, how is it to see the nothingness beyond?
E.         (pause) Well (cough) I’m, I’m not so scared.  I can just see it as a thing rather than a feeling, if you see what I mean.
Th.       Say to the nothingness beyond, ‘I’m not scared of you now’.
E.         I’m not scared now ... I can make my way through there.
Th.       You can make your way through there.
E.         I’m beginning to ...
Tape change
E.         ... going through.
Th.       You see a path going.
E.         A very symmetrical path ... disappearing into a sort of vanishing point.
Th.       And how do you feel as you see that path going through, the clouds have parted?
E.         I feel I’m on sort of firmer, firmer ground as it were.
Th.       Mm, on firmer ground.
E.         Mm.
Th.       As though you could follow that path?
E.         Yes, I can walk on it ... it seems, it starts out, it’s funny though, it starts out very light, well not, I mean, light in colour and then as it gets further away it gets darker, I can’t quite see what’s beyond ... the clouds are there but they’re on either side ...
Th.       The ground is firmer and you could walk along the path.
E.         Mm.  The near ... in the foreground I can see it quite clearly but as it disappears into the distance it doesn’t just sort of fade away, it becomes, sort of, black (coughs) (yea, mm) but as I begin to move on the path (yes) forward the black begins to dissolve bit by bit.
Th.       So, as you move on the path, move forward the black dissolves bit by bit.
E.         Mm, sort of in retreat.
Th.       Aha, and you stay in the light.
E.         Yes.
Th.       So as you move forward you remain in the light (mm) and the black retreats before you.
E.         Yea.
Th.       And how are you feeling?
E.         [inaudible] ... em, more confident, braver ... enjoying the walk.
Th.       Enjoying the walk.
E.         It’s beginning to go, the pathway’s sort of undulating and getting lighter.
Th.       Mm, getting lighter and undulating.
E.         (pause)  Mm, I just keep going.
Th.       Mm ... you feel stronger and braver.
E.         Mm (pause) and I begin to see, to sense Dick there again.  I want to share it with him.
Th.       Right, you can sense Dick ... and you want to share it with him (pause).
E.         And (cough) we walk down the path together ... it’s good ... it’s happy.
Th.       Then say, ‘I feel happy.’
E.         I feel happy ... and light and free ... mmph.  There’s a sort of building come into it.  I suppose that’s ... like a home.
Th.       Mm.  A building, like a home.
E.         A sort of funny little temple, castle (laugh, cough).  We’re going towards it (mm).  There’s light inside.
Th.       There’s light inside, mm.  How do you feel towards that building with the light inside?
E.         Oh, yes, I like it.
Th.       This temple, little temple, castle (mm) with the light inside (mm), are you coming up to it now?
E.         Yes, there are steps in front.  We’re walking up the steps.
Th.       Are you going into the building?
E.         Yes.
Th.       Mm, into the light?
E.         Yea, I just feel we’ve arrived.
Th.       You’ve arrived ... you’re surrounded by light.
E.         Yes, it’s just, it’s just light, can’t see anything but light.
Th.       It’s light ... and you are feeling ...?
E.         Good [inaudible]
Th.       Joyful?
E.         Yes, happy and joyful, free ... oh (sigh) it’s fun.
Th.       It’s fun.
E.         Yes ... mm ... it’s good.
Th.       (pause) Then speak how you feel, ‘I feel good, happy, free.’
E.         Yes, I feel free, liberated able to move and yet in company.  It’s good, sharing it and then ... he feels the same.
Th.       Dick is there with you in the light?
E.         Mm, ... and we’re both laughing.
Th.       Tell Dick as you laugh together your feelings.
E.         Oh, I love you, this is good, this is right.
Th.       ‘I love you.’
E.         I love you.  We just look at each other and know.
Th.       What do you want as you look at each other.
E.         I just want to continue like this.,
Th.       (pause)  Then tell Dick that,’ I want to be with you always.’
E.         I want to be with you always like this.  This is how life can be, should be ... and he knows, he knows that ...  We just get such pleasure from each other.
Th.       (pause)  And knowing that you can be together as you are ... in the light, let yourself gently come back to the room.
E.         (pause) Mmph.  Oohh (sigh).  It’s a different world (laugh) yes.
Th.       How are you feeling as you come back into this different world?
E.         I feel elated inside.  It’s good.
Th.       Then be aware that, what that was around.  I mean, yes, your mind says it’s around Dick, but all that was inside you and in the form of Dick you see your own strength.
E.         Mm, yes, or recognition of it or reflection of it, whatever, yes.

Assertiveness

T.H.2. Transcript Client Helen 18.12.90, 4th session, 1st series.

Th.       Let’s see if you can get an image of this frightened, vulnerable part of yourself, that you don’t accept.  Are you willing to see?
H.        I’ll try.
Th.       OK.  Just see the image ... the vulnerable weak, frightened part of yourself.
H.        (pause)  Yes, I saw someone small ... and thin and unhealthy looking.
Th.       OK, describe to me ... you say someone small, thin and unhealthy looking, yea?  How do you see?
H.        Like a, it’s not a rag doll I’m thinking about but ... one of these, an old fashioned plastic doll.
Th.       Right.
H.        Sort of thin, dangly arms and ...
Th.       OK.  And that’s how you’re seeing it.  Is it sort of standing or flopped somewhere?
H.        Flopping, sort of.
Th.       Right.  Thin, dangly arms.  How do you feel as you see this thin floppy, almost like a doll?
H.        I feel irritation again ... a bit of anger.
Th.       Are you willing to see if you can take another step as you look at this?
H.        (mumble)
Th.       What does that mean?
H.        I don’t know.  I feel this incredible sort of tiredness when (right) when it comes to sort of moving on.
Th.       Try saying to this figure, this doll-like thin, floppy, weak figure you see, ‘I feel tired as I look at you.’
H.        I feel very tired as I look at you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
H.        It disappears for a moment.
Th.       For a moment, and then comes back!
H.        Mm.
Th.       Has it changed or just comes back.
H.        No, just comes back, with shoes on.
Th.       With shoes on, so now it has shoes on.
H.        Mm.
Th.       And how do you feel?
H.        Not quite so angry as I was before ... and not so tired.
Th.       Are you willing to say to it, ‘I feel not so angry and not so tired now as I look at you.’
H.        I feel not so angry and not so tired when I look at you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
H.        I feel more tired.
Th.       And to the figure?
H.        I feel angry and tired when I look at you.
Th.       So the anger and tiredness have come back (mm) and what happens to the appearance of the figure?
H.        It’s got clothes, sort of, em, like sort of old fashioned liberty bodice type on (aha) and it’s slightly bigger.
Th.       And it’s slightly bigger (mm) OK.  And how do you feel?
H.        I still feel angry.
Th.       Mm, and tired?
H.        Mm.
Th.       Then say that to the doll.
H.        I feel angry and I feel tired with you (with force).
Th.       As I look at you, mm.  And what happens?
H.        It’s still there and it’s slightly ... it’s not as thin any more.
Th.       Ah.  It’s not so thin any more ... and wearing shoes and a liberty bodice.
H.        Mm.
Th.       And how do you feel?
H.        Now I feel a little bit less angry and tired.
Th.       Mm.  And towards the doll figure?
H.        Nothing really.
Th.       Then say to it, ‘I feel less angry and less tired.’
H.        I feel less angry and less tired with you (quite forceful).
Th.       And what happens?
H.        I feel OK and then I feel tired again.
Th.       Mm.  And what happens to the appearance of the figure?
H.        It looks about the same (pause).  It’s not so floppy any more.
Th.       It’s not so floppy any more.
H.        Mm.
Th.       And how are you feeling as you look at it?
H.        I still feel some anger.
Th.       Mm, and some tiredness or just the anger?
H.        Mm.  A bit.
Th.       Then speak to it and tell her.
H.        Sorry?
Th.       Speak to it, speak to ..., is it a her?
H.        It’s a her, yes.
Th.       Then speak to her.  ‘I feel a bit angry still and tired.’
H.        I feel a bit angry still with you, and tired.
Th.       Mm, and what happens?
H.        I feel alright and it, I, it, it goes back and I feel tired again.
Th.       Mm, and to the figure, how do you see her?
H.        I see her the same.
Th.       Mm.
H.        No, it’s slightly nearer.
Th.       Slightly nearer.
H.        Mm.
Th.       How is that for you, that she is slightly nearer?
H.        Nothing really.
Th.       Mm.  Can you describe her to me in more detail now as she’s a little bit nearer?
H.        She’s got long, long, sort of semi long, straight hair.
Th.       Mm.
H.        And dark shoes and a liberty bodice and knickers and she, she looks healthier.
Th.       She looks healthier.  What sort of age is she?
H.        She looks like an ordinary doll.
Th.       She looks like an ordinary doll.  What sort of age would you say she is now, if she was a girl?
H.        Em, about 10, 12.
Th.       And how are you feeling now, as you look at her?
H.        A little bit anxious, and a bit tired.
Th.       Then say to her, ‘I’m feeling a bit anxious.’
H.        I’m feeling a bit anxious. (pause)  When I say it, it goes away for a while and then it comes back again.
Th.       The anxiety?
H.        Mm.
Th.       OK.  And is there any change in the figure?
H.        The hair seems slightly more reddier rather than dark.
Th.       The hair seems slightly more red (mm) and do you have any feelings towards her as you see here there?
H.        No, not really, it’s just a doll.
Th.       (pause) And in your own feelings, where are you?
H.        I’m still a little bit anxious and a bit tired.
Th.       Then say that to her.
H.        I’m still a bit anxious.  I’m still a bit tired.
Th.       And as you say that, then what?
H.        I feel more anxious.
Th.       And the figure?  Does she change at all?
H.        She’s closer and a bit bigger and I see her more from above ... like the top of her head rather than the side.
Th.       Mm.  So you can’t see the expression on her face.
H.        No.
Th.       And do you have any feelings towards her?
H.        No.
Th.       OK, let yourself come back into the room.

The Turn Exercise

T. He.10   Transcript Client Hetty 5th session 2nd series 10.7.91.

Th.       See if you can visualise the ‘Judge on your shoulder’, an image (pause) an image of the Judge on your shoulder.
H.        Yea, I can see an image of a bird, sitting on my (right) shoulder and just sort of whispering into my ear (things to say).
Th.       OK, so you’re seeing a bird (mm) yea?  Can you describe the bird?
H.        Em ... kind of, at first it seemed big and then it seemed to have shrunk in size, it’s quite got smaller, it was like a dark, not a kind of colourful bird, just very dark brown/black and its big eyes.
Th.       Big eyes, yea? (mm).  A dark bird with big eyes (mm) so it was whispering into your ear (mm).  Is there anything else you see about the bird ...apart from the eyes?  (No).  OK, focus in looking on the bird.  Are you still seeing it on your shoulder or (mm) just ...
H.        Yea, it’s perched on my shoulder.
Th.       So you are seeing yourself.
H.        Yea, like now.
Th.       Right, present day Hetty with this bird perched (mm) ...  How do you feel as you look at that image, in your body or in your emotions?
H.        Um.  I feel, I feel quite calm, it doesn’t seem to perturb me very much (mm).  I suppose in a way it’s familiar, I mean it’s not like an image I’ve had before but it’s not that strange to me.
Th.       How do you look with the bird on your, can you see your face?  What’s, what do you see about yourself?
H.        What do I see?  (slight laugh).  Mm, I see, I just look like I’m listening really and sort of taking it in, not really ... seem to be kind of ... year, just listening to what I’m, the judge is, bird is saying to me.
Th.       Right ... and as you see that you feel quite calm (yea, sigh).  OK, are you willing to take another step (mm) and connect with yourself, become ... yourself that you’re seeing so that you’re experiencing the bird, yea?
H.        I like become ...?
Th.       Yea, so that you’re experiencing (yea), yea.  So that as it were if you turn your head you see the bird on your shoulder (yea, mm).  Is that possible?  (Yea).  And now you have the bird on your shoulder (mm).  Yea.  How does that feel?
H.        It’s not very (illegible), it’s not as good.
Th.       OK, so it’s not as good, not as comfortable (no) yea.  What did you want to say?
H.        No, not as comfortable, yea.
Th        Right.  OK (no) yea go on.
H.        It feels like its claws are digging into me and, em, and when I turn round its head is too close, it’s like I can hardly turn my head and it’s there.
Th.       Right.  So what goes on in your emotions as you feel it so close that you can’t turn your head really and the claws are digging in?
H.        Em.  It’s frightening.
Th.       OK, so you’re quite frightened of this (um).  How do you feel towards the bird?
H.        (sniff, pause).  I don’t know ... well I think I’m quite frightened of it. 
Th.       OK, you feel quite frightened of it, the claws are digging in (mm).  Yea.  OK.  Move back to the person, yea, so (mm) you can see yourself, with the bird perched on your shoulder (mm, sniff), OK now you’re aware that the self you’re seeing there with the bird perched on the shoulder, yea, is quite afraid of this bird and is very uncomfortable.  Now that you know that, what are you feeling, is there anything you want to do?
H.        I want to take it off my shoulder, I want to take it off and put it somewhere else.
Th.       You want to take it off the shoulder of you (mm), you see (mm).  Yea, how do you feel towards the bird, any sense of an emotion as you see it there, gripping it’s claws into ...
H.        Yea, it’s interesting ‘cos once I list, once I (illegible), once I’m not actually with the bird on my shoulder it doesn’t become frightening any more and I can just watch it and I feel more calm again as if the bird’s instantly reduced in size and doesn’t seem to be doing any harm.  It’s only when I’m ...
Th.       Right, but when you’re in there, then it’s frightening and (yea) the claws are digging in (mm).  You said now you’re looking at it you want to take it off.
H.        Yea (yea), but how do I feel towards it, em, I feel more in control of the situation.  I’m not as frightened like it’s become little.  I could just pick it up and put it in the cage.
Th.       You could take it off the shoulders of ...(mm).  You feel you could do that?
H.        Yea, mm, where I am now, yea.
Th.       Do you feel that it’s possible to speak to the bird and tell it to get off or do you feel that you could actually pick it up?
H.        I think I’d pick it up and carry it into the cage.
Th.       OK.
H.        You want me to do that?
Th.       Can you do that?
H.        (illegible, pause)  It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.
Th.       OK, so it’s ...
H.        ‘Cos it’s kind of struggling.  It feel like it’s struggling with me.  It’s, I don’t think I like picking this up very much but anyway, em ...  Yea, I’ve (sigh) picked it up and it was flapping its wings and it was a bit scary (right) as if it was going to get me, but I’ve managed to kind of shove it into this birds cage.
Th.       OK.  It’s now locked inside the bird cage.
H.        Mm.  It’s not very happy.
Th.       How are you feeling now you’ve done that?
H.        I feel (pause) (Yea).  Mm, I feel I still (sigh) quite, I started getting tearful so I don’t know really.  I suppose I feel upset but I’m not sure why I feel upset.  It’s like now what, kind of thing.
Th.       OK.  Are you still seeing you in the image as well as the bird in the cage?
H.        Em.  I hadn’t been, I was focusing on seeing this bird sort of flapping round in the cage (deep sigh).
Th.       I’m wondering if there is you or, in the picture image ...
H.        Yea (yea).  Yea, I’m still ... I think I just sort of sat down, kind of collapsed a bit, just put me head in my hands sort of like, deflated almost or relieved or just ... I don’t know, anti-climax.
Th.       OK.  Can you become the you you see collapsed that used to have the bird on the shoulder (yea) yea?
H.        (pause).  I just seem, I just see this image sitting with my head in my hands.  I just feel, it feels like there’s a physical hole here where the bird was and it’s there some blood coming out of it, where it’s been digging its claws into me.
Th.       And how are you feeling now the bird is off and in the cage?
H.        I feel a bit kind of bereft.
Th.       There some blood coming out on your shoulder (mm) yea? and you can see the bird in the cage (yea).  Can you see who it was who took the bird off your shoulder?
H.        (sniffs, pause)  Well, it’s when I was doing the image, I felt it was me (right) so I don’t know.
Th.       OK.  Are you saying you don’t see who it was?  That’s OK if you don’t (mm).
H.        Well, I was visualising it being me taking the bird off my shoulder.
Th.       Right.
H.        ‘Cos I wasn’t you in (illegible).
Th.       Yea.  Are you still the one with the wound on your shoulder? (yea).  OK.  Feeling a bit bereft and you can see the bird in the cage (yawn) but you can’t see who it was who took ... (no).  OK.
H.        I can’t see both of them together kind of thing.
Th.       OK.  Now the bird is in the cage.  Is it still looking the same?
H.        The bird? (yes).  It’s much wilder.  It’s ... lashing around in its cage and like really unhappy and feathers flying around.
Th.       And how does that leave you feeling?
H.        It makes me feel scared of it, I think it’s going to break out.
Th.       So you’re still scared of the bird (mm) yea.  What is it, do you have a sense of what it is you feel bereft of?  It’s like you were frightened of the bird when it was on your shoulder, you’re more frightened of it now it’s in the cage, although it is in the cage (mm).
H.        (long pause).  What did you ask me?  What ...
Th.       Whether you have any sense of what it is you’re bereft of.
H.        Just the familiarity of it.
Th.       OK, so it’s familiar to have the bird on your shoulder (mm) although  frightening and very uncomfortable (mm).  Now this is very unfamiliar ‘cos the bird is flapping around wildly (sniff) in the cage ... and you’re frightened of the bird.  Do you have any other feelings towards the bird?
H.        (sniffs)  Well, I find I’m feeling tempted to let it out but I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Th.       That sounds to me, right, you have a reason, like you don’t feel it’s a good idea because ...
H.        Because it will just come back and do the same thing again.
Th.       So there’s some instinct or impulse is to get back to the familiar (mm) the way it was (mm).
H.        Yes, ‘cos it’s really hard to watch it sort of in this cage, it’s so ...
Th.       OK (mm).  It’s hard to watch it but at the moment you can do that and it’s not getting out of the cage (mm) yea?  And the only emotion you’re aware of is fear, is that it?
H.        Yes, that’s overriding, yes.
Th.       Right, but at the moment it is still in the cage and it’s not getting out (yea).  OK.  Can you try something (yea) are you willing to?  Right.  See if it’s possible to turn your back on the caged bird and look in the other direction (mm) and tell me what you see.
H.        I just, yea, I just have turned round and I just see kind of like it feels quite hazy, it’s not like very clear just a bit like a, almost like a shimmeriness or mistiness in the distance, not very clear.
Th.       OK, a shimmeriness, a mistiness in the distance (mm), yea?  How do you feel as you look at that shimmeriness, mistiness in the distance?
H.        Em.  It feels, it doesn’t feel scary, it’s just like not familiar really.  Unknown, going towards the unknown.
Th.       OK.  Are you able to go towards it a little bit ... this shimmeriness, mistiness?
H.        Yea, a little bit.
Th.       Was that ‘yes’ you are able to (yea) a little bit towards it?  And as you go a little bit towards it, what happens?
H.        It becomes more kind of misty and it feels like it’s all around me now, it’s like, em, being in the middle of this fog or something.
Th.       Mm, mm.  So you’re in the middle of this fog or mist.  Is there any sense of form or colour or (mm) ... and there may not be and that’s OK.
H.        It’s like that quality of mist, you know, kind of grey white.  It doesn’t feel uncomfortable.  It feels like a bit, not scary but, I just feel like ‘Oh, I’m not going to get out of here’ or I don’t know what’s going to be in here.
Th.       Mm.  Are you still moving forward or are you in it?
H.        I’m in it.  Yea.  I’m in it.
Th.       Yea.  Stay with it and see ... what happens.
H.        (pause)  I can’t, I mean I just can’t do anything with it.  I just ...
Th.       OK just (mm).  The mistiness is still there (yea) and you’re emotions at the moment are (em) ... a bit scared still (yea, yea).
H.        I feel scared of going in and getting caught in this and not being, yea.  I’m just scared is what I feel again.
Th.       Are you willing to say that to the mist, ‘I feel scared here in you’.  ‘I’m not sure where I’m going’ or whatever is the right phrase for you (mm).
H.        (sniffs).  I feel scared of being in the middle of this mist (of you) of you.  I feel scared of being in the middle of you and, em. I want to get out of it.  I want to get out of you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
H.        I felt, it starts to dissipate.
Th.       Mm.  Does anything form that you can see?  Do you begin to see something as the mist dissipates?
H.        (pause)  I can’t see anything.
Th.       How are you feeling now?
H.        Mm.  Weary.
Th.       Mm.  Weary.
H.        Yea, like I’m, it feels like, em ... It’s been quite a struggle to get here, to get here.
Th.       Right.  It’s been quite a struggle to get where you are (mm).  OK, so you’re feeling weary, is there any emotion with that ... and if you don’t know (yea) it doesn’t matter.  Are you actually seeing anything at the moment?
H.        (pause)  I feel ... can I come out of it now?
Th.       Yes, if you feel, if you want to ... although if I can ask you before you do, is that OK? (yea).  How is the wound on your shoulder, are you aware of that at all?
H.        Em.
Th.       And if you’re not then ...
H.        (pause).  No, I’ve lost it.
Th.       OK.  Then let yourself come back, let yourself come back.
H.        (illegible)
Th.       How are you feeling?
H.        I’m thinking about it really.  I feel better now I’ve come out of it.

Disidentification

T.He.11 Transcript Client Hetty 2nd session 3rd series

Th.       OK.  So let yourself go to the start of the dream, the angry one where you went up to speak to this woman.  So at the start of the dream where are you?
H.        (sniffs, deep sigh)  I don’t, I don’t remember actually knocking at the door so it must have been open ‘cos often the door’s open and I ...
Th.       You walked up the stairs (omission).  You are walking up the stairs.  Relive.  You are now walking up the stairs (yea) yea? and do you knock on the door at the top or is it ...?
H.        No, it’s open.  I’ve already gone through this open door, it’s like ...
Th.       You walk through an open door.  What are you seeing now you’ve walked through this open door?
H.        Just, as I walked through the open door, it’s just like, just these bare steps that I climb up to the first floor.
Th.       Right, so you’ve climbed up to the first floor (yea).  Now what are you doing?
H.        Em, well I’m just surprised because there’s this, I, it’s not how I know, you know the inside of this flat being [illegible], ‘cos I’ve been in there before, it’s not, it’s like this, this big desk at the top of the stairs and this woman sitting behind it and I’ve kind of got to ... kind of confront her with this stuff really.
Th.       OK.  So describe to me the woman sitting at the desk.
H.        Em, do you want me to do it as much as I remember from my dream?
Th.       No.  No.  As you’re seeing it now, you’re in it now, you’re seeing the woman, you’ve climbed up, you’re surprised (mm) because this is not quite what you expected, there is a big desk and you’re seeing this woman (mm).  How do you ... yes?
H.        Like, em, in her forties, quite smartly dressed, dark hair, quite stern looking.
Th.       Quite stern looking (mm).  Is she looking at you?
H.        Mm.  I think she’s filing her nails or something.
Th.       OK, filing her nails, right.  Now how are you feeling as you see her there?
H.        Nervous.
Th.       You’re feeling nervous and ...
H.        I, I’m feeling quite strong because I have worked out, I’m feeling quite righteous about what I need to say.
Th.       Right, so you’re feeling quite strong, quite righteous.
H.        But I also feel a bit perturbed because ...
Th.       You are, stay with you are a bit perturbed.
H.        I am a bit perturbed because I was just expecting to talk to the workmen really, not her.
Th.       You were expecting to talk to the workmen, not this woman, so she comes as (a surprise) a bit of a shock and surprise and you’re a bit nervous about this (sigh) yea?  How are you feeling towards the woman?
H.        Em ... (sniff)  I don’t ... (sigh).
Th.       If you don’t know, that’s alright.
H.        Yea, I don’t feel, I don’t feel very much in the [illegible].  I just feel a bit intimidated.
Th.       Intimidated.  OK.  You’re feeling strong and righteous about, yea? what are you going to say to her, say to her now what you’re going to say to her.
H.        Em.  Listen.  I’m living in the flat below and I’ve already talked to some of the builders here about, em, the mess that’s being made (sniff) on my, on my roof outside and I really need to talk about noise levels, I’ve got a list of things I’d like to talk about and she say, ‘Yea, OK’.
Th.       Right, so she says OK (yea, yea).  Go on then, you’re carrying on with what you’re saying to her.
H.        Em.  Right.  Well, as I’ve already mentioned, a few times that there’s lots of builders’ rubble collecting on my plastic roof and it’s cracked it in one place and I really want something done about this.  I want it, you know, I want them to come and hose it down or something and make sure that there’s no more rubble falls on it (sniff).  That’s the first point.
Th.       Does she respond as you say that to her?
H.        (sigh)  She writes a few things down on a piece of paper and she screws up - she’s very scowly looking.
Th.       Right.  How are you feeling now you’ve said that much?
H.        Better.  I feel a bit more in control.
Th.       Right.  OK.  Carry on with what you need to say to her.
H.        And two.  People seem to be here from early in the morning to like 9.30 or 10 o’clock at night and I’ve already had to come up a few times to ask you to stop working, or the builders to stop working round 8 o’clock ‘cos that’s when my daughter goes to bed, and she can’t possibly sleep with all that noise above, so I really need a commitment that there’s not going to be any work done after 8 o’clock in the evenings.
Th.       And how does she respond?
H.        That’s, she starts flaring up now and ...
Th.       Yea, what’s she doing, describe to me.  She starts flaring up, yea?
H.        Right, kind of gets up from the desk, right? kind of quite angry, you know like, throwing papers around, well not in, you know, but like quite kind of dramatically gets up.
Th.       OK.  She’s got up dramatically from the desk (mm).  OK.  How do you feel as you see her do that?
H.        (sigh)  Taken aback, like you know it just sets me back really.
Th.       OK.  So you’re feeling taken aback, now what happens?  Does she speak or do you speak?
H.        She starts creaming.
Th.       She starts screaming, right.  Are there words you can hear?
H.        Em, she’s just, I mean there’s a lot of screaming and saying, you know, can’t bloody do that ‘cos we’ve got work to do (OK) sort of insulting me really.
Th.       She’s insulting you (mm), screaming at you (mm), swearing.  How are you feeling as she does this?
H.        I feel like I kind of get smaller and smaller.
Th.       You get smaller and smaller.  What’s the emotion that goes with that?
H.        Fear.
Th.       You’re feeling afraid now that she screams (mm) and abuses you, and you’ve got smaller and smaller (yea).  Now what happens?
H.        I just want to run away.
Th.       OK.  So you want to run away.  Hold on a moment.  You’re feeling very afraid (mm) yea? and she’s standing there shouting and screaming, yep? (yea).  How do you feel towards her?  You’re afraid of her.  Is there any other feeling towards her?
H.        (pause)  It’s just like, somehow, I’m in awe of her really, in awe of her, that’s the feeling.
Th.       Right.  You’re in awe of her and you’re afraid (yea) (sniffs) and you want to run away (yea).  What’s the fear saying will happen?
H.        Well, I’m frightened of being hit, well I think ... Oh God (yes, you’re ...).  Well that’s what I felt in my dream, that’s what I feel.
Th.       Yes, you’re frightened of being hit (mm).  That she will hit you.
H.        Well (sigh, sniffs)  I don’t know because ... what do you, I mean I never know whether to put the dream into it or say what’s going on now.
Th.       In the dream it ...
H.        I don’t know, in the dream it was like it wasn’t clear, I was just frightened of being attacked.
Th.       You’re frightened of being attacked (yea).  OK, so you’re frightened of being attacked, and she’s shouting and screaming and you want to run away (yea) and you’re very small.  Does it feel possible as you see her there, shouting abuse at you, yea? (yea).  Does it seem possible to speak to her? (mm, no).  It’s too frightening to speak to her (yea) (sigh) OK.  Are you willing to take another step (mm).  OK?  Is it possible to move back and see who it is she is shouting at, who feels so small and frightened?
H.        (pause)  Yea, I mean I’m sure you recognise (mm) I mean even before you said that, as soon as I ... kind of already was seeing it wasn’t me like now, as an adult, it’s like me as a little girl, I’m not quite sure of the age.
Th.       OK.  You as a little girl, you’re not quite sure of the age (I’m not sure).  OK.  Look at that image, you as a little girl (yea) standing one side of that desk and on the other side is this woman smartly dressed, in her forties, shouting, yea? (yea) waving her arms and threatening, is that right? (yea)  And you see the little girl there.  Can you see the expression on the little girl’s face, the little girl who is you?  Can you see the expression on her face?
H.        Like, bewilderment really, I think like just kind of shock and bewilderment.
Th.       Shock and bewilderment (mm).  How do you feel as you see her standing there looking shocked and bewildered?
H.        (pause)  I feel really angry with the woman.
Th.       You feel really angry with the woman (yea, yes).  OK.  Are you willing to speak that to the woman? ‘I feel really angry when you shout at her’.  What do you want the woman to do?
H.        Be reasonable (mm), be reasonable.
Th.       Well, what do you want her to do (sigh) stop shouting?  Sit down?  What?
H.        Yes, sit down, it’s just because it’s like ...
Th.       OK (yea).  Is it possible to say to the woman, ‘I feel really angry when you shout at her.  I want you to stop and sit down’.
H.        (pause, sniff)  God ... (sigh)  Why do I have such a hard time doing this?  It, I have such a hard time ... getting angry.
Th.       It is hard (sniff).
H.        (sigh)  I feel, I feel really angry when you shout at her and I want you to ... sit down and stop shouting right now.
Th.       And what happens as you say that?
H.        (pause)  She’s not sitting down.  She’s kind of calmed down but she’s still standing up.
Th.       And how are you feeling?
H.        Me as an adult?
Th.       Yes, as an adult.
H.        I feel quite, I feel kind of like ... quite ... I’m not feel very strong, I feel I’ve said it but it’s like I feel, I feel I’m losing my power in this situation ‘cos she won’t sit down.
Th.       But she’s stopped shouting (mm) (sniff).  What about the child you see there (sigh).  How does she look?
H.        Em.  Well she, she’s kind of turned her face to me and I think she looks ... pleased to have an ally, you know, and surprised that someone’s spoken up for her.
Th.       OK.  And how do you feel towards the child as she looks at you like that?
H.        I feel warm and emotional like, yea, loving towards her.
Th.       Can you say that to the child, ‘I feel warm and loving towards you’.
H.        I feel warm and loving towards you.
Th.       And what happens as you say that to her?
H.        She comes, comes up to me, kind of bur ... burrows into me, she puts her head right into my waist.
Th.       And how is that for you?
H.        That feels good, that feels more, that feels stronger, than just being me by myself and her by herself.
Th.       Right, then say that to the child, ‘I feel stronger when you’re with me’.
H.        I feel stronger when you’re with me (sniff).
Th.       And what about the woman?  How do you feel towards her? (pause) (em)  Is she still standing up?
H.        Yea, she’s like ... I feel very dis, I feel very dis-attached.  I don’t feel very attached to, I can’t kind of (sniff) focus on how I’m feeling towards her.
Th.       You don’t have any feeling towards her.
H.        No.  I don’t seem to.
Th.       OK.  (yea).  It’s alright.  So you’re no longer feeling angry with her (no).  Right.  As you hold the child, are you holding the child still?
H.        I’ve got my arms around her, yea.
Th.       Right.  And you no longer feel angry with the woman and you’re holding the child and feeling stronger.  Do you have any sense of anything that you do want to do?
H.        (sigh, pause, sniff).  Em (sniff).  I want to take her out of there, like just kind of get out of that place (sniff).  I don’t want to stay in this flat any more.
Th.       Right, is that because you’re frightened or because you don’t like ...? what’s ...?
H.        I don’t like, I mean I don’t feel frightened any more but it just doesn’t feel like, I don’t like the place.  It’s just like a horrible place.  It’s like I came for a purpose and I don’t know if I’ve achieved it or not really.  It feels like I can’t do any more in that place right now.  It feels like more important (sniffs) to be with the little girl.
Th.       Right.  Right.  So you want to take her away (yea).  Do you have any sense of where you want to take her? (pause)  You may not, you just want to take her away.
H.        Well, just probably to go downstairs into my flat.
Th.       OK.  Can you speak to the child and say, ‘I would like you to come with me away from this place’.  Can you say that to her?
H.        Yes.  I’d like to take you downstairs and I’d like to take you out of here.
Th.       And what happens as you say that to her?
H.        She’s interested in that (sniff, sob).
Th.       OK, now what I’d like you to do (yea) is become this child, y